It takes a village to raise a child
i wonder if we instantly become mothers when we give birth to a child. of course that physical act of giving birth and contributing your DNA to a human being warrants you to be called a mother. but biology aside, we know the our role as a mother demands a lot from us. we take on a multitude of roles as nurturer, dietician, nurse, logistic manager and educator, to name a few. when we first took on motherhood, the first year was demanding if not confusing. we get advice from our own mothers, our aunts , our friends and from parenting books. some were conflicting, some made us feel bad, some gave us assuring pats on the back.
i think we know all kids are not born the same. different characters, different temperaments, different personalities. it is the same with mothers. biology aside, mothers are not made the same. there is no standard motherhood chip. this is not saying some mothers are better than others. i think we all have our unique circumstances and stories when we become mothers. we can be at different stations in our lives. we have different parents and different experience of being raised as a child. the demands we have at work could be different. we have different expectations of our lives.
perhaps that is why when we get advice from other women, we hear stories or read about others, it stirs the emotions in us. we either get inspired, defensive or critical. and it feels personal. we’ve heard that it takes a village to raise a child, previously the village was simpler. the mothers, aunts and great grandmothers share the same stories, family backgrounds and histories. how children were raised in the village were pretty much standard between mothers. there werent much changes in a woman’s life through the generations. unless you are married to the village head, other factors like lifestyles, income and expectations didnt differ much. now it is different. we are all mothers but we have different stories. and if advice and words from other mothers feel like personal attacks sometimes, it is so because we have a standardized notion of motherhood or what a modern mummy should be. or what we should be providing for our kids. we think we are the same, but we are not.
there is however the common thing with mothers. we want to protect our children from harm. we want them to grow healthy, be well adjusted useful human beings. and we want the best for our children. i think these are the basic if not core mission and vision of motherhood. how we go about achieving it and what we define as ‘the best’ may differ…and this is the hard part. when previously women in the village didnt mind having their kids reprimanded or getting advice from the other village mothers, without taking it as a personal affront, i think the situation is more complicated for modern mommies. sometimes it doesnt have to be words that are spoken, action by others can bring about that thing that always simmer below the surface and is so easy to pop up-mommy guilt. have you ever wondered if the african savannah mothers have the same infliction?
despite that, i still think things will go crazy if i didnt have my ‘village’. motherhood is challenging. parenting is about conscious decision making. three year plus of motherhood taught me i needed my ‘village’ and support if not stories of other mothers to help me through it. what helped me in a way to feel more confident is to be aware of my own story, be clear of what makes me, what i want and expect in life, and be clear of my vision. it helped me from feeling resentful at some points or feeling the mummy guilt when i am fully aware of my own story and those around me. i find most inspired when i find other mommies with similar stories and experience, sharing with me on like work-life balance and raising children. they reached out to me in some ways by sharing their stories, and i am thankful for them. some are family, some are my work colleagues, some are old friends and some are mommy bloggers. some are experienced mommies, some are tumbling along with me. the phrase it takes a village to raise a child still holds true. even if my friends do not have a direct hand in raising my child, they play a part. when i get to know their stories, i feel inspired and it makes me more conscious in my decisions on how i want to parent. it helps, i tell you, to have ‘mommy mentors’, friends you can turn to for advice or simply to share the joys, the doubts, and the uncertainties of being a mother.
i am thankful for my ‘village’ of mommies, those who have been willing and honest in sharing their stories.
Happy Mother’s Day to all mothers, aunts, and grandmothers.
